voice | un: vsmith

[banworthy]

Hello.

How are you all doing? [ A beat. ] Actually, you all know I don't care so let's ignore that question, hm?

So, who would like to have their fortune, romantic future, or whatever told?

I know, I know... tarot is still a [ Longer pause. ] hobby of mine, but one you get to reap the rewards of today.

Fun, right?

Comments

[banworthy]

I don't like the implications of that statement.

Who knows when you would've learned from it? But you would've seen how I treat Connor and be more upset this was my mindset since the beginning, yes?

[bootyshortsforoldmen]

You said you treat him like a person ‘cause it’s amusing, or whatever. Maybe I wouldn’t have thought about it any deeper than that. I just want him to be happy.

The plating thing, though... yeah. Would rather have that back if you think he’s just a “thing.”

[ Hank was gonna be all adult and let it go, but that’s just made him sad. Angry, but sad. ]

[banworthy]

You can have it back.

I'll even come over and hand it to you, how's that?

[bootyshortsforoldmen]

Sure, yeah.

Make sure you wrap it up in a goddamn bow.

[banworthy]

Sure.

Now, why are you drinking? You were just getting better.

[bootyshortsforoldmen]

Oh, Jesus Christ, Vinny. You a fortune teller and a therapist?

[ And other weird things, but Hank isn’t keeping a list. ]

I drink. That’s what I do. I like it.

[ More bottles clang together. ]

It’s, y’know. Enrichment.

[banworthy]

I am a priest.

[ Uh huh. ]

Do you feel enriched?

[bootyshortsforoldmen]

Okay, Daddy Vinny.

[ Hank is rolling his eyes. ]

Enriched enough to talk to you even though you’ve said some real upsetting shit, yeah.

[banworthy]

Because we have mutual stock in one another, Hank.

[ That's all relationships boil down to, really. ]

Anyway, would you like to confess anything? It's me, after all... when have I ever spilled anything to anyone?

[bootyshortsforoldmen]

Oh my god.

[ HANK GROANS ]

Why? You think it’ll improve your stock? Get it all unburdened?

[banworthy]

Yes, Hank, I do.

Otherwise, I would leave you to wallow in whatever you're wallowing.

[bootyshortsforoldmen]

How ‘bout you ask me after I’ve polished off the rest of this whiskey, huh?

Lips might be looser then, you nosy fuck.

[banworthy]

Very well, as you wish.

Hank is going to regret this and I enjoy that

[bootyshortsforoldmen]

Nosy fuck’s actually doing what I say, huh?

What d’you want me to confess, Vinny? Think I’m hiding some weird shit?

How about I almost did. Almost did some weird shit.

How’s that?

HOORAY!!!

[banworthy]

So long as it isn't sexual, I'll be happy to hear what weird shit you almost did.

LMAO

[bootyshortsforoldmen]

Wouldn’t tell you that even if I did.

[ …Hank says, as if enough alcohol wouldn’t make him say whatever.

Assuming he didn’t pass out beforehand, anyway. ]

Almost kissed someone. Which would’ve been a mistake. Obviously.

So you gonna pat me on the ass now for having some self-restraint, or what?

[banworthy]

[ Makes some strained gurgling noise in the back of his throat. ]

You're upset because you almost kissed someone? Why are your problems so irritating?

LMFAO I love Vincent so much

[bootyshortsforoldmen]

You ever loved someone, Vinny?

Something tells me no.

LMAO THANK YOU

[banworthy]

Oh my -- are you twelve?! Are you a teenager?

Who cares?! Just kiss them, you obnoxious drunk!

[bootyshortsforoldmen]

If you consider fifties close, then — yeah. Pretty damn close.

I care, you weirdo. Shouldn’t be surprised you’d be fine kissing random people, considering you got a thing for wearing people’s body parts round your damn neck.

[banworthy]

I have no desire to kiss anyone to be perfectly honest, which I always am with you.

You care about what? Huh? The people next to you may be gone the next day and then you get to blubber and be sad you did nothing, hm? [ Lord who intends to set fire to the living, please save him first. ]

[bootyshortsforoldmen]

So you’d rather I go ahead and make someone uncomfortable as fuck in the meantime, yeah? Just go ahead and ruin a relationship?

That the wise Vinny’s advice here?

[banworthy]

Why are you overthinking this? Why are you making this weird?

Do all people treat relationships like this?

[ JESUS! He won't take his god's name in vain but he'll take someone else's. ]

[bootyshortsforoldmen]

Why am I… why am I?!

Yeah. It’s me. You’re right. I’m the weird guy here.

Yes. People usually think about smacking mouths with someone before they go and do it, yeah, especially if shit is unrequited. Jesus.

You ever fall for someone, I’m gonna laugh my ass off.

[banworthy]

I will set myself on fire if I fall for anyone.

Unrequited? Were you drunk and trying to kiss them?

[ Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. ]

Hank.