etraya | @vdova ; video

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@vdova ; video

[Her hair is in two messy twin braids. Her eyes are glassy. The sharp-eyed might notice she's probably, definitely drunk. The less-so might just assume she's overly tired. Her tongue presses into her cheek as she considers how to start this one, but in the end she just rips the bandaid off quickly: ]

So, tell me, how is it that you handle grief?

[She probably won't be elaborating on why she's asking, unless she has a certain level of familiarity with you, but you can try. People closest to her probably already know what this is really about: Her sister is gone. From Moorecroft. From Etraya. From the top side of the dirt. Gone and back to dead, and Yelena is spiraling.]

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I wish I could stop losing people. Or stop feeling it so much...

the harsh truth? it's easier to not have people to lose in the first place. much less heartache when they get ripped away.

She's my sister. I think that inherently makes it harder.

[Though she does understand the sentiment, overall. She's lived that way for a long time herself. It's so hard not to make connections, though, especially in a place this small.]

[oh. so a bit harsher than intended.]

didn't realize, sorry. i haven't had family for a long time. [and that's not exactly true, because what is bill but not her father? but she holds that feeling distant, where it can't hurt as much knowing she might not ever see him again. convinces herself he's better off for it, without her in his life, endangering him because he feels obligated to help her in all the ways he couldn't when she was young.]

... but the loss does linger.

It's fine. I wasn't exactly specific. Does it ever get easier?

['Easier' feels more right a word than 'better', because she doesn't think there is any amount of time, alcohol, or other coping mechanisms that make a world without her sister better.]

i remember you mentioned her being here. what happened?

no. but. it's hard to move on from, when i'm still suffering the consequences of what killed them. i carry the pain with me quite literally. every day is a reminder. i tried to go after the man i viewed responsible, for closure.

I guess our captors decided she was not worth being here. She disappeared between that day in the bar and when we got back here. I did that once. The problem was I was lied to. The man I tried to kill to take revenge was actually not the cause of her death so... I guess I'm just...stuck.

[maybe that's a good sign, knowing that they can somehow fail out of this and potentially get sent back. except. well, her sister is dead so there's no real back to get to.]

do you think that's... a warning, of sorts? had she failed too many tests?

that does take the satisfaction out of it, doesn't it. but that's why you have to take control of your own grief. so others don't use it to drag you around.

I don't think so? But who knows, everything here is so arbitrary, it could mean anything. It was very annoying. I didn't kill him in the end, so... I guess there's that. Hmm, yes, I see where you're coming from. I just do not know how to reign this in right now.

maybe i tend to read too much into everything. people vanish from here often, then?

not sure i can be much help with that. i can't claim my particular methods of coping are healthy or advisable. but it seems you at least have friends.

I don't know, really. I think maybe some people have disappeared? But... it hasn't really been in my circle, until now, so I cannot be sure. A few, maybe. Most of the people on this post, I don't know.

i see. so no common connection in the occurrences? no explanations provided?

sorry i can't help with that either. but take care of yourself.
and find a way to honor her memory, if you can. that way she's still with you.

[if nothing else, it's all a good reminder of why getting attached is a foolish strategy.]

Not that I have seen. Someone else may have made more connections to it, if someone they knew here got sent back, though. Worth asking around about, maybe. It's okay, it's not your problem. But...thanks. Yeah, that's a good idea. I'll think of something.

[She actually really likes that idea. She just has to think of something that would be sufficient.]

[might be worth investigating indeed. she didn't grow up in science labs not to develop an intrinsic need to understand the causes of such consequences. knowing these things might be necessary to ensuring her own survival. or finding her own way out of this.]

maybe. requires talking to people. not my best.

[but it does seem somewhat easier with yelena. for reasons she can't pinpoint. even if she's sure not a single thing she's offered in support has been all that helpful.]

she was... natasha, right? [she's not sure if yelena's offered that information anywhere, so she tries to tread carefully with how much she might know.]

You've done fine with me both times. Yes, did you meet her?

you need better standards.

... no, i hadn't.

[but romanoff leaking all the shield files to take down the agency along with hydra is what allowed ava to finally get out from under their manipulation and exploitation, so in a way she does owe thanks for her freedom. she wants to offer that sentiment to her grieving sister now, except selfishly she's still avoiding outright admitting they're from the same (or a similar) world at all. especially since... well, the natasha romanoff where she's from isn't dead. or was at least last seen on the run as a fugitive with the avengers that refused to follow the accords. but she did hear about the destruction of the red room, so she can put enough together and assume that's where yelena is from too. and maybe that's why it's a bit easier to talk to her, having the same fucked up sorts of childhood.

and still, she can't bring herself to say it.]

what was your favorite thing about her?

I don't pretend I have normal ones. But I still have a pretty good point, you must admit.

[The question is difficult in its simplicity; shouldn't it be easy for a younger sister to list off all the best, coolest things about her big sis? But things were so tense and complicated all the time. And Yelena's never been great at this sort of thing, anyway.]

I don't know. How do you even explain that to someone? I mean, she was my sister. I did not need anything except for her to be there. She was funny sometimes. And I liked it when she got all Big Sister Protective about things...

i dont have to admit anything. you dont even know my name.

[another thing she's being overly careful of, for no real reason other than maintaining distance. it's not as if anyone can dig into her past here. all those shield records that Natasha leaked aren't accessible.]

it must have been nice. having somebody there. going through the same things you did. somebody to look up to.

Sure I do. I've named you Solnyshka in my head.

[As if Yelena needs her actual name? Girl, bye.]

It was, when she was there. She wasn't always.

[Truth is, she wasn't a lot. But it never ruined Yelena's longing to have her sister back in her life, even if she held resentment for some of Natasha's past actions (and inactions) for so long.]

i wont answer to it, so keep that in your head.

[she's sure it's an insult of some kind, because she can't imagine anything else.]

but those things she taught you are, yeah? my parents are long dead, but i still hold onto the best parts of them.

[and the worst, honestly.]

But it's cute! It's Russian, it means sunshine. Yes, I suppose that is true. I just hate how limited our time was, in the end.

[It's just so goddamn unfair.]

i'm not cute.

[and certainly nothing sunshiney about her, so now she's sure it's at her expense.]

i know. it's never going to be right. and this place will do what it can to break us.

I disagree. I kind of hate it here. But I wasn't doing any better at home, either. Sssooo I guess I am suffering no matter where I go.

[It's so easy to be facetious and joke like that, but it makes people miss how serious she is about what she's saying, too.]

if you knew me better, then you'd know better. but i'm not inclined to provide you with that insight. so fine, think whatever you want.

[she doesn't see the joke in it. not over text. she just sees the shared truth in it. that she's miserable here, but probably just as much so back where she came from.]

we bring our problems with us. hard to escape when it's just fundamentally yourself that's the source of it all. but i'm far too stubborn to let them damage me more than i do myself.

I would have done so anyway. But thanks for the permission?

[It is not an inaccurate read of what she said, to be fair!]

Unfortunately, I have not learned how to effectively sweep things under rugs and make them disappear yet. I like the stubbornness. Living out of spite is very valid.

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"sunshine" b/c irony nicknames lolol

lol cute

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