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etraya2025-10-13 10:03 am
etrayamods) wrote in etraya2025-10-13 10:03 am
Entry tags:
- !chirper,
- a certain magical index: accelerator,
- arcane: jayce talis,
- arcane: viktor,
- atla: toph beifong,
- baldurs gate: shadowheart,
- batman wfa: jason todd,
- co e33: gustave,
- co e33: lune,
- co e33: maelle,
- co e33: renoir,
- co e33: sciel,
- dc comics: jonathan kent,
- final fantasy vii-ac: rufus shinra,
- final fantasy xiv: gaia,
- final fantasy xvi: barnabas tharmr,
- final fantasy xvi: cidolfus telamon,
- final fantasy xvi: clive rosfield,
- final fantasy xvi: dion lesage,
- final fantasy xvi: sleipnir harbard,
- fruits basket: shiraki mayuko,
- jl gods and monsters: kirk langstrom,
- marvel comics: quentin quire,
- marvel comics: sophie cuckoo,
- person of interest: harold finch,
- person of interest: sameen shaw,
- stranger things: chrissy cunningham,
- superman (2025): clark kent / superman,
- the 100: octavia blake,
- the dark knight: jonathan crane,
- the walking dead: david bossie,
- ✘ ice age: manny,
- ✘ yi pian dan xin: su you
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no subject
In a second.
[She says, making no move to wade in just yet. Bear follows Shadowheart, but only to just past his ankles.]
You should try it on your own first. Then we'll work on strokes - actual swimming.
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When they'd first met, Shaw had told her she likes straightforwardness. Shadowheart had gone to John for advice and heard the same thing: be straightforward. The problem is, she isn't quite sure how to say everything she wants to say. Nor is she sure this is a good time; the events of the mission seem to be weighing heavily on Shaw, even more so than they are on Shadowheart.
So of course the thing to do is turn back to Shaw and just blurt it out.]
I like you, you know. Whatever it is between us, I'd like to pursue it. [Is that too much like the lost puppy Mother accused her of being? She adds quickly:] I'm hardly looking for true love. I know our time in this place is finite. And unpredictable. It would be foolish to ignore the reality of that. But we could... enjoy each other's company, while we have it.
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Slowly, she bends to a crouch at the waterside, trailing her fingers in the water.]
What is it you're looking for?
[She says, watching Shadowheart with solemnity; with caution.]
Specifically.
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It's a strangely fragile feeling, asking for... whatever it is she's asking for. Especially with Mother freshly in her head reminding her that she's needy and desperate.]
The sex was good, if I do say so myself. [Shadowheart is convinced that she's extremely good at sex, despite having – thanks to all the holes in her memory – functionally near zero experience.] We could do it again sometime. And...
[This is the part that is particularly nerve-wracking, the part where she wishes she could get a better sense of what Shaw is thinking or feeling. Asking for sex is nowhere near as vulnerable as asking for...]
I'd like your friendship. [Is that too desperate?] If you're willing to give it.
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[Shaw says honestly, still studying Shadowheart's face. The nerves are easy to pick up on, and she doesn't look down on her for it - but it does make her feel like she needs to tread carefully. Not for the first time, she has the sense (accurate or not) that she could very easily and very unintentionally do harm here.]
The sex was good; we should do it again.
[And her confidence on that front is pretty sexy, actually.]
You blew me off when I told you how my brain works, though.
[And that, too, makes her feel like she needs to tread carefully.]
no subject
But the last thing she says, Shadowheart isn't quite sure how to take, especially since she's not entirely sure what Shaw is referring to. She can tell that Shaw is being careful, which means that she'll have to be careful too. So, carefully, she says,] Tell me again? I promise I'll listen.
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[She straightens up to a standing position again, looking Shadowheart dead in the eye.]
When I tell people that there are things that I'm not capable of, and they tell me I'm wrong, I get that they think they're being encouraging or whatever. But what that tells me - based on experience - is that someday they're going to need or want something from me that I can't give, and they're going to be blindsided about it. It'll hurt them. And I don't want to hurt people who don't deserve it.
[She pauses.]
That means you, by the way. I don't want to hurt you.
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[She wades out of the water far enough to be close to eye level with Shaw, and shivers a bit as the air hits her legs.]
When I said that you're capable of warmth, I was talking about the warmth I've already seen, no more than that. When you scratch his ears— [She gestures to Scratch, who's currently trying to get Bear to run in circles with him.] —or laugh at my jokes. [Alright, groan at her jokes.] That seems perfectly warm to me. All I want from you is more of what you've already given me.
[Mother might as well be standing right next to her again for how clearly Shadowheart can hear her voice in her head, whispering, repeating what she'd said in the fog, But she doesn't want you. Why would she?
Shadowheart forces herself to keep going. Mother's dead, she doesn't have to listen to her anymore.]
I want to kiss you, every once in a while. And I want to go out for drinks, when everything isn't going to the hells. I'd like to listen, if there's something you want to talk about, and I hope you'll do the same for me. I want you to have my back in a fight, as I want to have yours. I want you to be honest with me, and I want your patience when I don't know what to say or... or what I'm doing. And I don't want you to be cruel to those I care about. I want you to keep scratching my dog's ears and laughing at my jokes. [Or groaning at them.] That's what I'm looking for, specifically.
[Gods, she's fought hags and devils and mind flayers and the avatar of the god of death, and still, saying 'I want' is the most terrifying thing she's ever done. She's never really had to consider what she wants before; her whole life, Shar was there, telling her what to want. Now she's having to figure it out for herself, and find the courage to ask for it.]
If you can do all that, whatever the strength of your feelings, I can't image how you would hurt me.
no subject
(Well, maybe the joke thing. Has she ever laughed at one of Shadowheart's lame puns? Groaning at them, more like, she thinks - unknowingly echoing her unspoken aside.)
So no, none of this seems undoable. But all of them together, and with Shadowheart's nervous energy-- ]
Kinda sounds like dating.
[She says, carefully. Still aware of how easily she could hurt. Shadowheart is strong in so many ways, but emotionally... not so much, she doesn't think. ]
Thing is, I don't do relationships.
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[Shadowheart is fairly confident that she's never dated anyone. In the unlikely event that she has, she doesn't remember. She doesn't know what it's like, what it entails, what's expected. Is that what she's asking for?]
What do you do, then?
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I'm good at loyalty, but not commitment. Reliability, but not exclusivity. Following orders, but not being restricted. I'm a good coworker - usually. I'm not a good girlfriend.
[ She looks down at the dog - offering her hand for a sniff and a scratch. ]
I don't know if that's what you're asking for. But if it is, I figured out pretty early on that I'm not built for it.
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[She says it a little humorously, a little wryly, before she pauses, thinking on what Shaw's said, and shifts back to a more serious tone.]
Loyalty is an attractive quality. I...
[She doesn't want you. Why would she?]
More than anything else, I want a friend. That can be all we are, if that's what you prefer, or we could be friends who sleep together.
[Shadowheart can still feel that nervousness coiling inside her, her heart pattering uncomfortably against her ribs. She can't help but feel, despite being entirely candid, as though she's somehow trying to trick Shaw into something – because why would anyone want her? – while simultaneously feeling as though she's laying her entire soul bare.]
It doesn't need to be exclusive. I just don't want to... to be the other woman, so to speak. I don't want to be a torrid little affair to spice up a boring life, or a third wheel in some other relationship, something that can be thoughtlessly tossed aside. Or forgotten.
no subject
[And while that may sound like a non-sequitur, or even impatience, what she means by it is I want you to have this valuable life skill that could save your hide someday. What she means is that it's a sign of investment.]
You don't strike me as a forgettable person. But, uh-- I'm not sure what counts to you as being treated like 'the other woman', a spicy affair, or a third wheel. Spicy affairs are pretty good things from where I'm sitting, but clearly not from where you are, and what feels like exerting independence to me could feel like being callously tossed aside to you - you know what I mean?
[In other words: mismatched needs, wants, and expectations can be brutal, as she can attest from personal experience.]
no subject
Finally, her brain catches up with the rest of what Shaw's said, and she blinks, her head wobbling back and forth a couple times before she speaks.]
No, I mean...
[She laughs a short little laugh, quiet and ever so slightly awkward.]
It's a bit silly, isn't it? I've never had this conversation before. [And she's struggling to make herself clear.] I mean, oh, when a Duke decides he's bored in his marriage and seduces somebody else purely for the thrill of it, until he goes scurrying back to his spouse for fear of the adultery being discovered. That sort of thing. I would enjoy a spicy affair, as long as you... respect me. Like me. [Why would she? Why would anyone?] Or enjoy my company, anyway. And if that changes, if you tire of my company, or if you meet someone else that you do want exclusivity with, I'd like the courtesy of being told. I'm not sure what exerting independence would look like for you, but I... I suppose I want you to be honest with me about where we stand. Does that... make sense?
no subject
Sure. And-- back at you, I guess; if you fall in love with someone and run off into the sunset, keep me up to date.
[She brushes her fingers along the top of Scratch's head. There's one other matter at hand here.]
I'm not the best fuckbuddy right now, though. I haven't been doing... great lately. Since the fog.
no subject
Scratch, for his part, sticks his tongue out in delight at having his head rubbed.]
I imagine you're not alone in that.
[For her part, Shadowheart has simply avoided thinking too hard about the fog.]
Do you... want to talk about it? I've been told I'm a good listener. [No one has ever told her that, but she likes to think it's true anyway.] And so is he.
[She means Scratch, of course.]
no subject
[Shaw, as this whole conversation likely shows, has never been big on talking things out.]
I just wanted to teach you how to swim, Shadowheart.
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[She's not sure what else to say, but she does feel dreadfully badly that the fog's had such an effect on Shaw. Shadowheart's had, apparently, forty years to grow accustomed to Mother's barbs, and Mother didn't tell her anything she didn't already know to be true. Not so, she'd guess, with Shaw and the people the fog showed to her.
Like that woman, who Shadowheart can't help but be curious about.]
I can't help but think that Aurora deserves to meet the business end of a poo-scraper for everything she's put us through.
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I don't do well with not knowing what's real and what isn't.
[She says, as she again motions for Shadowheart to try floating on her back. Come on, buddy; let's multitask.]
I still don't know how much of that actually happened. I don't even know how long it lasted. It felt like months, but it couldn't have been.
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No, it was days, I think. Weeks.
[She's not sure herself. It had all been so surreal.]
But it wasn't real. It can't have been.
[Mother can't have been in the fog, she's dead. Shadowheart saw what was left of her when they departed the cloister; Mother can't hurt anybody ever again.
Like the Thorms were all dead? a treacherous voice whispers in the back of her head. Like none of them could hurt anybody ever again?
A voice best ignored, she decides.
She opens her eyes again – carefully, as though doing so might cause her to spontaneously sink – and stares up at the sky.]
Sometimes I forget how beautiful the morning light is.
no subject
The comment about the morning light doesn't tempt her gaze upwards, but she does grunt quietly in acknowledgement.]
Let your focus drift; see if you can still float on instinct even when you're thinking about something else. Are you, uh-- a big nature fan?
[People who think about how pretty the sky is usually are, right?]