text; un: appleaday

[saudades]

hiiii everyone! you can call me dazai.

since we're all supposed to work together and get to know each other, i thought it would be fun to play a little icebreaker game that's popular on my earth ♥

it's called would you rather! the rules are pretty simple:

✦ post a hypothetical between two difficult choices
✦ have others choose between them, and offer their own hypotheticals in return
✦ go back and forth until you don't feel like playing anymore

noooormally, it'd be cheating to say something like both, or neither, but if you can come up with a really interesting alternative, i'll allow it~

feel free to respond to each other, as well! can't just let me go having all the fun, after all.

here's a few to get us started:

1) would you rather hurt someone to protect yourself, or get hurt protecting someone else?
2) would you rather be unable to have your favorite meal again, or be unable to get drunk again?
3) would you rather betray your boss or abandon your best friend?

[wdym these are weird questions, he's so normal. it's just a gaaaaame and definitely not a covert means of information gathering or anything. come on and play :)]

Comments

[saudades]

[Oh, that's -- hilarious, honestly. Dazai actually needs a moment on his end before he responds, because he's picturing the Armed Detective Agency getting that list and losing his shit laughing.]

the list, for sure
kunikida-kun would waste weeks reading it
i think he'd especially enjoy the time i tried to convince our coworker that you could plant shrimp
maybe he'd even bend his precious schedule to make more time....

[His friends already know he's a liar, and much worse than that. He could've easily lied, pretended offense at the notion that he's not a law-abiding citizen, but he's developing a hunch about this person, so instead:]

would you rather confess to a crime consequence-free, or be commended for something you didn't actually do?

[equivo]

[ It's impossible to get a real sense of someone through a handful of text exchanges. Krouse knows that. But he can get an impression. And the impression he's getting is there's an edge under this flippant front that's all too scrapingly familiar.

This isn't exactly how Krouse does things, personally. But it's close enough. ]

Confess to a crime consequence-free. Getting commended for something you didn't do is just going to come back on you sooner or later when the truth gets out. Short term validation versus long term avoiding jail time? No contest.

[ You, like Krouse can hold it at a hypothetical distance. ]

Would you rather get away with doing something you know is wrong, but you really wanted to do, or do something everyone else thinks is right, but you don't believe in?

[saudades]

[This is such a question for a person who has gotten away with doing an incredible amount of wrong things in his life. It's fascinating, though, because of the assumptions inherent in the framing -- that he would act according to others' opinions, that a primary consideration in doing something "wrong" would be whether he might be punished.]

bold of you to assume i believe in anything, blackhat-kun ♥

[It sounds like a brush-off, befitting the flippant persona, but honestly -- good and evil have never been especially meaningful to him. He barely considers himself a human being to begin with. He's just trying to make his world a little more beautiful, these days. At any rate, that's all the answer Krouse will get.]

would you rather someone who you've done wrong take revenge, or be betrayed by someone you thought you could trust?

[equivo]

[ For one split, paranoid second, Krouse wonders if whoever this is knows.

But that really is paranoia. Jumping at shadows, funnily enough. The question isn't that specific. He's projecting. So much for not being self-aware.

That still leaves him with the first of these questions he doesn't want to answer either way. ]

Someone I wronged taking revenge. I already know where I stand with them. Less of a surprise.

[ Not so long ago, he could have picked someone you thought you could trust, because that would have been a freebie. He didn't trust anyone.

Now -

Now, though. He doesn't know anymore. ]

You didn't answer my question. I'm assuming that's a forfeit.

[ Can you even win at Would You Rather? Krouse thinks it's more a game about losing. ]

[saudades]

[That’s more or less what he expected. This person’s questions and choices hint to a clear sense of discomfort with the judgment and censure of others. If you already know you hurt someone, you expect the retribution. The fear is limited only to when it might happen and what it might be, assuming you’re the sort to be afraid of that at all.]

weeeelll, you skipped two of mine right at the beginning, so i think i still have a freebie!

unless you’d like to go back to those now, anyway~

[equivo]

[ Krouse could try to rules lawyer this. He'd technically have a case. It's almost as stupid an impulse as the paranoia. There aren't real rules here.

So he does another thing he does best, besides lying, cheating, and being pedantic. He gets stubborn. ]

Right. My bad.

1. Hurt someone else to protect myself
3. Abandon my best friend

[ The bad guy answers. The villainous ones. Since they're just fucking around, and everything. ]

okay its time for the big cws. suicidal ideation, nihilism, attempts, the whole nine yards

[saudades]

[Dazai can't help another soft little laugh to himself. This person really went back and answered them. And he gave those answers, the ones literally nobody else has been willing to say. In context with the type of answers he's given already, the questions he's asked ... Dazai expects the answers are a bit more complicated than that. But they're honestly no longer relevant; he doesn't bother to dig into them.]

alright. fair is fair.

[You've earned your honesty, Krouse. Don't regret it.]

the problem with your earlier question is one of framing.
i might have dodged the question, but i meant exactly what i said. i don't really believe in anything. frankly, i have never found an especially convincing argument that life is worth living in the first place. there isn't anything i especially want, truly, except to die. i suppose that could count as choosing the first option, because taking your own life is frowned upon in many cultures, but it isn't really something a person "gets away with", in the sense that you can't face any consequences once you're dead. and besides that, i've never actually been successful, obviously.

but choosing the other option, even by default, creates an impression i don't especially like.
i don't base my actions on the opinions of others, so it'd be incorrect to say i'd prefer that to "getting away" with something i want to do.

for the sake of the game, though ... i chose my current way of life based on the advice of a friend, even though it didn't matter to me either way, until then. so i suppose i'll say the latter.

would you rather rebuild a burned bridge, or go back and undo a past mistake?

cws. suicidal ideation, nihilism, suicide attempts

[equivo]

[ Krouse doesn't regret it. It still makes the back of his neck crawl with uneasy recognition, a curl of residual nausea coiling in his gut.

It's not the kind of thing people are supposed to say. It's not the kind of thing you're supposed to say so casually, like it's nothing. But there it is, and Krouse doesn't know if it's bravado, another kind of self-destruction, or - what.

There's something wrong with this guy. Krouse has spent a lot of time around people who have something wrong with them. The recognition is uneasy, but it's still recognition. It uncouples a particular thread of tension that comes with uncertainty. He has a ledge to stand on. ]

Must have been some compelling advice.

[ He doesn't know what else to say. He's not going to make an argument that life is worth living to someone when he doesn't even know why he thinks it's not. He's not equipped to make that argument as it is. And maybe that's actually the right move, here, because it's not like that's what he's being asked to do.

Krouse is getting an explanation. Maybe he can just let it stand. Not be the guy who pushes. ]

And that one feels like two variations on the same idea, but sure. Undo a past mistake. Don't burn the bridge in the first place.

Would you rather be able to know exactly where you went wrong with something you already did, or know about the next thing you're going to fuck up, but without knowing exactly how to stop it?

[saudades]

[Dazai didn't think this guy would to be the sort to go on an impassioned argument for valuing his life, and he's pleased to know he called that one correctly. Not that he would've regretted it otherwise; he does only give out the information he wants to give, after all.

But he's perfectly content to move on, as well, and so he doesn't comment on the advice, or offer any context on what it was.]

not necessarily
a bridge you would have no interest in rebuilding in the present, with certain circumstances as they are, might be one you wouldn't otherwise have minded leaving intact if you were able to change some of those circumstances.

[He will never let go of his resentment toward Mori for what happened to Oda, but he would go back and rejoin the Port Mafia in a heartbeat if it would save Oda. He would do anything, and damn the consequences.]

that's a complicated question, though. i'd almost want to argue that there's not enough information to answer it. what's the nature of the information you're receiving, in the latter case? when do you get it in the former?

if i can find out right away i've made a mistake with some plan or other, i have time to account for it and course correct before the situation becomes unsalvageable. on the other hand, if i know the specifics of the next thing that will go wrong, i can work backward to figure out the mistake, and still prevent the situation.

assuming that it's only "unknown" how to stop what happens and not "impossible", then, i'll go with that one.

would you rather give someone information on your greatest weakness, or about your deepest desire?

cw: suicidal ideation, suicide attempts

[equivo]

[ It was definitely some compelling advice. The kind of compelling you gloss over even after spilling your guts about your suicidal impulses and attempts.

This wasn't how Krouse expected this conversation to go. He certainly didn't expect that comment about bridges to stick under his ribs, or for the premise of his question to be dissected like that.

But Dazai lands on another right answer. It's better to stay focused on what's still possible to change. ]

It's only unknown. We're not talking fate here. Otherwise that's not a fuck up on your part, is it? It's only a fuck up if you can avoid it.

And greatest weakness.

Neither are good options, but if you're giving the information on your greatest weakness, I'm assuming that's a weakness you're aware of and trying to compensate for. Giving away your deepest desire makes you more vulnerable. Opens you up from more directions, and it's harder to correct for, since you're probably not willing to give it up.

[ Which is a better answer than saying, again, that Krouse doesn't make a distinction. That would be giving away too much. ]

But while we're talking weaknesses. Would you rather be able to correct what you think your greatest weakness is, or actually objectively know what your greatest weakness is?

[saudades]

i'll tell you a secret, blackhat-kun
lips sealed, okay?

[he's entirely aware that this conversation is happening in public.]

nobody's greatest weakness is fixable. if it were, it wouldn't be their greatest weakness. sure, if you have a short temper or a tendency to act before you think, these things can be improved with effort, but these aren't anyone's greatest weakness.

the real weaknesses, the ones that can truly destroy a person, can't be fixed because they are ultimately core to who they are.

[Dazai will never fill the emptiness that gnaws inside him. Kunikida is bound by a fundamental, misguided faith that if he does everything correctly, following every principle of the way things "ought" to be done, he can put an end to all senseless tragedy, and suffers when reality doesn't bear out that way. Atsushi would expose his back to a stranger to give them the shirt off it with no thought as to whether he might find a knife in it in the process.

It's only a guess, but Dazai suspects the weakness upon which the entire card tower rests for this person is the fear not just of being hated, but of becoming so despicable a creature that they would deserve that hatred. That they will wind up alone with nobody to blame but themselves.]

if i have to pick one, i'll go with objectively knowing, but it's meaningless either way.

would you rather be able to change one thing about yourself to your exact specifications, or find a way to accomplish a goal previously abandoned as impossible?

[equivo]

[ This guy isn't an idiot. He's something far worse than an idiot. An intelligent person who pretends to be an idiot so obviously that they're inviting people to notice, if people are paying attention.

There are a lot of reasons a person might do that. Krouse can't pin down what this guy's are. He's not sure he wants to know. He's fairly sure, given how this place works, he'll eventually find out.

Your greatest weakness is core to who you are. If that isn't true, Krouse doesn't know what is. ]

People won't be hearing it from me.

[ He'll play along, for whatever that's worth. Because it is funny, in a way, how often people just get into it in public here. Like it doesn't matter that anyone else can see it. ]

I wouldn't say it's meaningless. If you know, at least you have that. No more mystery.

I'd accomplish a goal I'd previously abandoned. If it could be anything. Being able to accomplish something impossible is worth more than being able to give myself some free personal growth. External achievements are worth more, right?

Would you rather be able to change someone else to your exact specifications, or find a way to help them accomplish a goal they didn't think they could accomplish?

[saudades]

[This person truly is interesting. It's rare for him to find someone who can challenge him like this, even a little. The question being asked, on its face, is so similar to his own that the response can't truly be what Krouse is looking for. An average person might say that the same reasoning applies to choose their friend's goal, maybe even get a little offended at the notion of wanting to change who someone else is. That's the crux of it though; it's very obvious to Dazai what's really being asked here is if there are limits to the people he'd use. If even those he might consider friends, people he'd want to help are included.

If this weren't, in fact, public, he'd call the other on it. And answer it honestly, just to see their reaction. But there's a limit to how much he's willing to show his hand in public, and they just so happen to have reached that threshold. Instead:]

mmm, there's many, many ways of helping someone accomplish a goal. i don't think i'd need the free pass!
i think i'd change someone else. i mean, who doesn't want to be the biggest in their friend group, right? ☆～（ゝ。∂)

[krouse can take that however he likes :)]

would you rather tell a personal secret to an enemy, or admit to a damning mistake to a friend who wouldn't have otherwise known?

[equivo]

[ As soon as the questions start venturing out of the realm of the 'you' into the 'them', the game gets more interesting. People tend to be less judgmental about the things that someone is theoretically willing to do with themselves than anyone else.

So the light deflection, like the other light deflections, is telling. Of what, Krouse still doesn't know. And the emoji is completely out of his sphere of comprehension. He thinks it's winking at him. ]

Not for me, personally. I hate being asked to get things off shelves.

I'd tell a personal secret to an enemy, especially if I'm choosing what it is. I doubt knowing about my unfortunate fifth grade career gets them anywhere.

Would you rather find out that you had something in common enough with an enemy to question whether they were your enemy, or that you were different enough from a friend that it might ruin the friendship? Assuming you wouldn't otherwise ever know.

[ 'Personal secrets' and 'enemy' made him think of someone specific. That one, whether Dazai knows it or not, wasn't a hypothetical question. ]

[saudades]

[It's definitely winking at him. He may or may not have possibly intended a different interpretation of 'biggest', but either Krouse is more innocent than he'd assumed, or he's not in the mood for dick jokes. Alas.

More important, though, is that the pattern holds, yet again. Every time, this person chooses the option that doesn't risk an existing relationship, doesn't open himself up to shunning, rejection. Everything points to it being a significant sore spot. Dazai being who he is, he can't help but note it as something he can use in the future, if necessary.

In exchange (albeit a poor one, perhaps) Dazai doesn't deflect on this one. He can give an honest answer that doesn't reveal too much, this time.]

i'd rather have something in common with an enemy. frankly, an enemy with whom you share things in common makes for one of the best kinds of allies. there's no trust there, which leaves you with something far more powerful: self-interest. as long as your goals align, there is no reason to doublecross one another, and even then, your commonalities might make you useful enough to keep alive for potential shared goals in the future.

an enemy you share nothing at all with, on the other hand, has no reason not to kill you the moment you get in their way.

[As to the matter of friends .... well, honestly, he simply isn't the sort who experiences moral outrage like that. And as for his own sordid past? He's not exactly shouting it from the rooftops, but he's not about to lose much sleep over it, either. The only man whose opinion particularly mattered to him like that is dead, anyway. For now, though, he'll keep that to himself.]

would you rather leak information about a friend that obviously only you could've known, or go into a dangerous situation on nothing but faith that your allies will do what's necessary to keep you safe?

[This one is especially unkind, he knows. But he's curious to see how far this person will let him push the envelope, given that they were the one to establish that skipping a single question counts as an immediate forfeit.]

[equivo]

[ There's the practicality bordering on ruthlessness Krouse expects. He knows it could be all talk, but it's not like this place tends to select for people without something exceptional about them. ]

So you're assuming you'd question if they were your enemy, but you'd still land on that being the case? Huh.

[ He figures a texted 'huh' is what Dazai gets for the emoticon abuse. ]

I'd prefer to go into a dangerous situation relying on my allies. If I leak information about a friend, I lose their trust. If the people in this situation are my allies, I've already decided I can trust them to do what they have to do.

[ The smart answer is the first option, and he should've picked it. But even in theory, that's not the kind of asshole he wants to look like. It's not the kind of thing he does. Of all of his betrayals, one thing he managed to be decent at was keeping secrets. ]

Would you rather let someone you think of as a friend change one thing about you, or change them to accept the thing about you that they'd want to change?

1/2

[saudades]

[There's definitely more behind that 'huh' than meets the eye, yet pressing on it is a bad strategic move; it lets on too much that he's curious what Krouse opted not to say, about what opinion the other is forming about him.

Instead:]

of course. an enemy is an enemy until there's a material change in circumstances and allegiances.

[Atsushi taking Kyouka aboard from the Port Mafia, for example.]

any temporary cooperation is just that.

[The answer he receives in return isn't the smart play, no. But there's something charming about it, nonetheless; it's one thing for a naive idealist to express such a thing. It's entirely another for a person so obviously wounded to do the same.

Dazai can't guarantee he won't ever find occasion to use that, but it endears the other to him nonetheless.]

that's a really hard one, blackhat-kun!! there's no doubt a terribly long list of things they'd change about me, which makes changing them to accept these things is the most natural choice, yet -- if i did, i could no longer enjoy their reactions when provoked! :(

oops never hit send

[saudades]

[It's strange. He feels an oddly nagging urge to cut Krouse a break with a softball question rather than press on with pushing him. It's not necessarily strategically sound, but:]

would you rather tell me your name, or continue playing?

[equivo]

I'm Krouse.

[ It's not that hard to give up, given that he's eroded whatever anonymity his pseudonym gave him a while ago. But it's still telling anyway that he's calling the game, however obliquely.

He doesn't know if he'll count that as a point against himself or not. He sure as hell doesn't know how Dazai will take it. He knows a lot more about him than when they started, but he feels like it's just opened a whole field of new questions he can't begin to start answering.

Maybe he won't have to. Ships in the night, and all that. Because Krouse's track record with people even slightly like this usually ends up with them on the wrong side of those material circumstances Dazai mentioned so astutely. ]

And that tracks. I get the sense you like being provocative. Call it a hunch.

[ Even in text, the sardonic nature of that comes through. Dazai is all about the button pushing. That's something they have in common. ]

Good game. You know how to keep things interesting. Maybe that'll help you break up the monotony around here.