text; un: appleaday

[saudades]

hiiii everyone! you can call me dazai.

since we're all supposed to work together and get to know each other, i thought it would be fun to play a little icebreaker game that's popular on my earth ♥

it's called would you rather! the rules are pretty simple:

✦ post a hypothetical between two difficult choices
✦ have others choose between them, and offer their own hypotheticals in return
✦ go back and forth until you don't feel like playing anymore

noooormally, it'd be cheating to say something like both, or neither, but if you can come up with a really interesting alternative, i'll allow it~

feel free to respond to each other, as well! can't just let me go having all the fun, after all.

here's a few to get us started:

1) would you rather hurt someone to protect yourself, or get hurt protecting someone else?
2) would you rather be unable to have your favorite meal again, or be unable to get drunk again?
3) would you rather betray your boss or abandon your best friend?

[wdym these are weird questions, he's so normal. it's just a gaaaaame and definitely not a covert means of information gathering or anything. come on and play :)]

Comments

[messenger]

I've been told personal space is important.

[ his eyebrow twitches. it seems to say, you little shit. ]

I don't know what that is.

[ that one's not on him. smart phones don't exist yet in his time, which means selfies are not yet a staple of popular culture. he's missing a nokia flip phone right about now, actually. he's not very fond of the ear pieces. ]

[saudades]

Only stuffy squares think that!

[He is immune to the eyebrow, alright. This man does not know shame.]

I should know, my colleague at work is one of those. Every day I would have to take some time to show him how to relax a little bit and take himself less seriously. [He lets out an exaggerated siiiigh.] What will he do without me now, I wonder...?

[Ah well. C'est la vie. He brightens at the next part, pulling his smartphone out of his pocket. It doesn't get any signal here, but what it can still do is take a proper selfie rather than using the earpiece's HUD.]

Anyhow, selfies are an important part of human culture. Even stuffy squares would agree with that much. Come on, let me show you.

[messenger]

I'm not a square, or an imaginary number, or anything else but an angel.

[ sorry, 37! he tried to understand you, he really did.

castiel lifts one of the bottles he was holding to his mouth. the cap, which was previously present, is now vanished without explanation. he takes a long swig while side-eyeing dazai, his face a mask of exasperation. half the contents of the bottle have disappeared by the time he drops it to dangle from his fingers again. he doesn't seem truly angry, however.

if he were, he'd probably just leave. ]

Who was your colleague?

[ how d'you like that unsubtle subject change? ]

[saudades]

[That's...an incredibly literal interpretation of that word, wow. And an incredibly unsubtle subject change, enough so that he's leaving the strange square talk be so as not to let said subject change pass uncommented.]

Oh dear, you aren't camera-shy are you, Castiel-san?

[y u denying him this wholesome selfie moment!! smh.]

My colleague is incredibly fussy and uptight, the kind of person who schedules his day down to the minute and finds himself disgruntled if anything unexpected happens, even if it might be a windfall! He's stubborn, too trusting for his own good, honest to a fault, unwavering in his convictions, and unyielding in carrying them forward. The kind of person who will be a natural leader, when the time comes.

[He smiles, genuine for just a moment before the mask comes back up.]

He's not here, but you'll know him immediately if you see him.

[messenger]

[ he's still riding off the high of being called an imaginary number and trying to explain to a girl who speaks entirely in metaphor his place in the phenomenal world. he does, in fact, realize a moment later that that's probably not what dazai meant — he hasn't been speaking in math metaphor this entire time, after all. at least, not as far as he can tell. he tries to track back the usage of the word—

well, judging by the context clues, it's probably an insult.

(if you keep trying, dazai, he'll go along with it. he's just in a bad mood.) ]

That sounds like a lotta' people I know.

[ he watches dazai for a long moment, bottle still dangling from his fingers. he takes another drink — a drink, this time, not a swig — and then tucks it back beneath his arm, the cap returned as though it was never gone. ]

Dean is why I'm here. And I'm why he's here, too.

[ tit for tat. dazai told him something, after all.

of course, he has to stop, pause a beat, and roll his eyes at himself. ]

Not here. On earth. Back home.

[ you know what he means. ]

[saudades]

[ ...

Dazai's steps slow to a stop, suddenly, both the smile from before and the hollow facsimile of it gone.]

Castiel-san. You're new to interacting with humanity, so let me give you some advice.

[It's clear from his tone; he is not fucking around this time.]

Never expose your heart like that to a person you aren't certain you can trust. We have only just met, and yet if you'd been unfortunate enough to encounter me a few years ago, you would've just handed me the means to blackmail and control the both of you.

[A few years ago, he would've considered himself as having hit the jackpot with this man, learning this. The Port Mafia would've owned them.]

This Dean is the friend you betrayed God for, isn't he? If there is ever someone you would do anything for, where something inside you would be irreparably broken by their loss, and others find out, you are ruined.

[He thinks of Odasaku and the orphans he watched blow up in that car. He thinks of Odasaku bleeding out in his arms. The void inside him swirls with rage and grief and anguish; he didn't realize it in the moment, but Odasaku was lost to him the moment those orphans burned, and it was because Mori knew that his friend would no longer see any reason to live without them, and his death was too valuable, too "necessary" a sacrifice for the Port Mafia.]

Do you understand?

[messenger]

[ it's difficult to see things from dazai's point of view. from a human point of view. what does death mean to an angel? not the same as what it means to a human. death is an end-point, but not for him — certainly not for dean, either. that's why he was in hell in the first place. because dean sold his soul to bring back his dead brother. and then, everything that happened after: he can sympathize with human pain and tragedy, but he can hardly empathize with dazai's position.

he's just not capable.

still, he stops, facing the man. acknowledging what he's trying to convey to him. ]

I understand.

... But we're far past that. Heaven and Hell both want Dean and his brother, and they know what I've done, and what I continue to do. There was never any option where I could have hid my... regard. I've already been punished for it.

[ regard. he respects dean, deeply, for the decisions he's made. he turned his nose up at paradise for the greater good. whatever might have happened with michael, dean would have gotten his reward. eternity, or nonexistence. and, most importantly: his brother, at peace.

he doesn't consider that he may feel anything more than that, but by simple process of elimination dean is the most important person in his universe. he loves his father, even if he also hates him — but god is hardly present.

dean, however, is.

castiel shifts, suddenly a little awkward— ]

And, uh... Not that I don't appreciate the advice, but I wasn't being figurative. I was tasked with raising Dean from the dead. That's why I was sent to earth, and that's why he's alive.

cw suicidal ideation ref

[saudades]

[Dazai lets out an impatient breath. It's rare for him to lose even a little bit of composure, but this interaction has brought up some things, and he's frustrated that the other man seems to still not realize what's at stake here. Most of all that talk -- of Heaven and Hell, of raising someone from the dead -- is meaningless to him, the mechanics and metaphysics of it all over his head and irrelevant. If this were a different sort of conversation, maybe he would've needled for more context, a better explanation, but instead:]

You're missing the point.

[Frankly, he's only establishing it further, at this point.]

None of the forces from your world are even here. But Dean is, and you continue to tell me how much you would do and have done for this man. Which means that anyone can use him against you. What do you think will happen if he dies here? This is not your universe. There's no guarantee his soul will return to the afterlife you presided over, nor would you be able to leave here to retrieve him if it did. I sincerely doubt you would be willing to let things come to that, either.

[There are plenty of things in this world worse than death, in the end. Dazai has always welcomed the notion as a relief, an escape from the pain of existence. Odasaku is perhaps the only one who ever tried to understand, even if he couldn't, not fully. It's not death that's truly the issue, here.]

Not to mention, if you care about him so deeply, what would he do for you? It would be just as easy to threaten you to make him comply, especially if you let people know you're already a condemned man with no allies to protect you, because you threw them all away for him.

[messenger]

I do understand.

[ his mouth twists, and his arm tightens around his alcohol, where it's sloshing in its bottles. ]

Heaven and Hell both employ the tactic. But sooner or later, all of our loyalties will be revealed. The abilities of the people around us, the close quarters we're living in. What Aurora and Echo likely already know. We won't be able to hide our weaknesses forever.

[ he slants another look in dazai's direction before he begins to walk again, once more adjusting the parcel beneath his arms. the paranoid, he understands, but there's never been any reason for him to employ that strategy. nothing in the physical world can truly hurt him, and their true enemies overpower them so vastly that it's difficult not to be hopeless.

usually, he is. ]

We have to be able to defend ourselves regardless.

Besides, Dean and I aren't as close as you're saying. The other Castiel — The one from his time — was hardly around.

[saudades]

[That saccharine smile returns to his features, but instead of inane and empty, there's a sharpness to it, his features filed down to a knife that's bared at Castiel now, pressed against the flesh of his neck like a threat.]

Not close, hmm? So you're saying you didn't betray your creator, consign yourself to a war in which you admit you're going to die whether you win or lose? You haven't, with your own hands, burnt every bridge connecting you to your former brethren, in such a way that you can never turn back? There are things left to you in that world or any other beyond protecting this man?

[He lets all that linger in the air a moment, that sharpness all but predatory. If Cas won't listen when it's put gently, he'll need to draw blood.]

In that case, I suppose I must be mistaken, because if those things were true, then that would truly be quite the high bar for closeness, wouldn't you say?

[messenger]

[ it's hard to say whether that sharpness doesn't cut castiel, or whether he just doesn't feel it — there's unrest on his face, though, enough to say that he isn't totally unaffected. but he's also annoyed by this conversation, and close to leaving dazai behind. he thinks he would rather get drunk on his own. ]

It would be.

[ there's merit to what dazai says. however, castiel sees it like this: ]

The only thing left is to save the world I left behind.

[ god may be useless, but god brought him back. that's why he went looking for him in the first place. he thought, surely it meant something. surely it's a sign— and he knows better now, and the bitterness of that knowing wraps around his heart. still, he thinks. dazai has reminded him of something important. as much as he might regret the loss of his home, he knows his choice was the right one. god brought him back. god wanted him to try.

he just didn't want to be involved in the trying. ]

[saudades]

[Truly, he's not sure what Castiel gains, trying to refuse to acknowledge it now. He's plastered his affection for Dean in flashing neon lights for anyone with eyes to see. Dazai may no longer be in the Port Mafia, but he is no less dangerous or cutthroat for it. If ever there were a situation where he could gain favor for his universe by leveraging that affection, he wouldn't hesitate for an instant.

This man is a fool, or arrogant, or both. Odasaku might have made a mistake assuming the boss wouldn't use him as a chess piece to sacrifice for his own machinations, but that's different than simply extending that good faith to a stranger who offered to share a drink. The sharpness dissolves from his expression, leaving behind only that hollow falsity. He was willing to try, out of deference to his friend's memory, but there is only so far he'll take things for someone he doesn't know and has no immediate use for. Dazai twirls the bottle in his own hand, stepping ahead of Castiel to push open the door to the apartment complex and let them in.]

That, and alcohol, right~? Shall we, then?

[messenger]

[ he gains nothing. but it's also not a lie on his behalf to say he'd let dean and sam die for the greater good, which would make dazai's accusation moot. that includes himself, of course. they have to save the earth, humanity— this is the most important thing of all. he never considers that he might only feel this way because of dean. he just knows that he does.

but once the lash of defensiveness has stopped stinging, he's left with only the words. something in his face shifts, a thin shimmer of unease beneath the otherwise impassive veneer. is that really what this human assumes of his feelings? is that how he appears when he admits to the truth? his brow knits, and he moves into the complex with dazai, not hearing the words that come out of his mouth. maybe if he were more focused, he'd have a clue that he's being mocked, but his attention is elsewhere.

it's like the feeling of having a word stuck on the tip of your tongue — except that this isn't a sensation castiel has ever experienced. he's teetering at the edge of something, but the way down is dark, and far, and he can't see the bottom.

drinking the feeling away seems like a wonderful response, so that's exactly what he intends to go and do. of course, it takes several trips back to the kwik stop and many many more bottles of liquor before he's suitably inebriated. only then does he begin to feel better, and his mind wander back to dean. dean also drinks to ease his pain. he doesn't get drunk, though. it's different. ]

Your... friend. He sounds like exactly every angel I know. My condolences.

cw more SI content

[saudades]

[Dazai drinks to ease his pain, as well, but more importantly to receive the blessing of oblivion for a few short hours. If he is drunk enough to be more unconscious than asleep, he's less likely to dream. It's a respite where nothing else in life is.

But the difference is, he doesn't trust anyone enough to be truly three sheets to the wind in front of them. He'll drink enough to be pleasantly buzzed, perhaps, but he's too cautious to lose his wits when he isn't in private.

The question surprises him a little, though, and he huffs a soft laugh.]

Is that so? I'm not sure whether he would be flattered or offended, by that.

[Dazai leans toward offended, though. Kunikida is a person who so heavily values ideals of how he believes he ought to be, it'd be galling to have someone imply he's any different than what he knows.]

Does that mean Castiel-san is like that too? Or do you happen to be unique?

[messenger]

[ that's something castiel may only someday understand, since he doesn't normally sleep, or dream. difficult to say if that's a blessing or a curse. the endless drone of life gets tired when you've existed for eons. ]

Oh, I'm "unique".

[ he does not seem to think any more kindly on himself than on the others. maybe no one lives up to his standards. ]

[saudades]

[Ah, that sense of bitterness in his words, again. Castiel is truly an intriguing person; convinced of his actions, and yet seemingly skeptical of whether he's on the right path or not. Or maybe, whether it's worth going down that path in the first place, right or wrong.]

It's not a bad thing, you know. To know with certainty what you value, what gives meaning to your existence in this life. I've certainly never found such a thing for myself.

[He takes a sip of his drink, then, idly tracing the rim with a finger...before he stops, all at once. And speaks again.]

The trouble arises when ideals to strive for become baseline requirements to function. That's when those same admirable ideals become a recipe for unnecessary suffering.

[messenger]

[ there's a bottle dangling from castiel's fingers, most of the way empty. he tilts his head until his skull is resting against the back of whatever seat he collapsed into when he walked into dazai's apartment, eyes raised to the ceiling. dazai is more right than he knows. and yet, this is what he admires most about those he keeps company with. it's why paradise holds such allure: dean and his brother don't need to hold their ideals in heaven. ironically, when life is over, only then can you live with no restraints.

but dean has rejected heaven more than once and been there, too. he has every right to make that decision. humanity has every right to continue existing. because that's the real question, isn't it? everyone who is alive now will die someday, and they'll find paradise or perdition same as they would if the end happened tomorrow. but the human race as a whole would cease to exist, forever.

how can he be the one to make that choice for them? maybe only their creator has that right. but when the vote came around, he chose to pass.

castiel turns his head at a shallow angle to eye dazai. there's a sense of acceptance in his face, in his body language.

or maybe that's defeat. ]

Happiness and suffering are... human concerns.

[saudades]

[Dazai's just drunk enough that a soft little laugh bubbles up in his throat at that. It's more a sad sound than amused, really; there's something almost mournful about it, the kind of absurdist laugh of the damned. Because it's true, isn't it? Even Dazai, for all his detachment and disconnection from society, humanity, cannot escape that most human of experiences -- not alive, anyway. He drinks, looking out past Castiel to the empty nothingness of his apartment. Empty, just like him. Fitting.]

I'd go so far as to say suffering is the most human concern of all.

[messenger]

[ castiel grunts, though there's a note of amusement behind it that makes it sound like almost a laugh. his eyes return to the ceiling, until a few minutes later when he picks up his head to uncap his bottle and drink from it. the sardonicism leaves him, and in its wake only a solemnity. he doesn't envy humanity. he isn't like his sister.

he never would have chosen to fall. ]

Hey,

[ he starts, as prelude to a question. ]

[saudades]

[Dazai turns back to Castiel as he breaks the silence, twirling his own bottle between his fingers — a little less than half empty, by now. It’s a little ironic, perhaps; Castiel speaks of suffering as a human concern, and yet here he is, looking distinctly troubled, going through his alcohol like a man intent on chasing away his pain as quickly as possible. Maybe it’s infectious, suffering, and being around humans has contaminated him.]

Yes?

[He nudges, encouraging the angel to go on. He’s curious, honestly. There’s something the other man wants to say, yet he hesitates. He hasn’t really hesitated about anything this whole time, even as Dazai pressed him about Dean.]

[messenger]

Is that... really what you think of Dean and me?

[ maybe it is catching. castiel can't stop thinking about what dazai said. the claims he made. living among humans is complicated. and perhaps dazai is right, that he should be more careful. keep some things closer to his chest. he just never considered—

what he was saying. ]

[saudades]

[It's a surprise, frankly. Dazai had considered that topic closed, a red stop sign planted directly in front of his face. Saying something in the first place had been unusual for him; he doesn't make it a habit, usually preferring to let others figure things out on their own or otherwise pulling strings from the background to engineer the outcomes he wants. He's only admonished Atsushi about his self-pity once, though he could come up with at least five things on the spot the boy would be well-served working on. A moment of sentimentality had driven him, the situation a little too reminiscent of Odasaku's, and he'd been rebuffed, dismissed. Dazai's tone is considerably chillier than it's been this entire time when he answers:]

If I were going to lie, I would've chosen one more useful to me. Or at least, funnier.

[messenger]

It's not funny to you?

[ everything seems to be funny to dazai. ]

I just... Never thought of it that way.

[ it seems, when he says this, that he means more than just about what dazai told him. his confusion encompasses many topics, broad and far reaching, and far too numerous to delve into now. or ever. he doubts his insecurities are really all that worth talking about. ]

[saudades]

Not especially.

[Here's the trick of it all; there's very little that stirs him in any way or other. He finds messing with people funny, but mostly just as something to do, fill the hours of a life he mostly finds monotonous and exhausting.

Joking, too, is a way to keep people from paying too close attention, a convenient layer of distance for his purposes. But even Dazai has lines he's not interested in crossing.]

You seemed quite unwilling to think about it at all, really.

[messenger]

Huh.

[ no? interesting. he'll keep that in mind. the things that stir castiel stir him deeply, but everything else — well, it's hard to say. obviously, he hasn't quite figured it out yet.

castiel snorts. his shoulder twitches into something that's almost a shrug. ]

Well, I was embarrassed.