voice | un: vsmith | spoilers SH3

[banworthy]

We're all just posing questions to each other for fun, right?

Then, is immortality wrong for mortals to experience?

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[banworthy]

[ Vincent supposes he could mention Heather at this time. He could say she could confirm he was well and truly dead. However, he would rather not. Too unpredictable and anyway, he told her not to talk too much about home.

He pauses to mull over what he's said versus what is being said. Because he is nothing if not a hypocrite.

What do people know? He died and was stabbed twice by a lunatic. Fine.

But, if people compare notes, he is of a religious background of the Holy Woman... 'ch. He shouldn't have said that -- anyone close to Silent Hill might recognize Her name. But he thinks he only said that to one person. Saying his God is a woman isn't too damning and if he remains vague about where he came from ... he could be from anywhere. Okay.

Evaluation of what is known about him carried through. He nods then realizes right he should answer what is being prompted. ]

Aren't you being a little too logical about this? No, rather aren't you asking the wrong question?

If Echo can't reverse death, then how can she save universes?

[unaliveyourself]

None of our universes have been destroyed yet. Aurora-chan confirmed that they will not be as long as we continue to participate in missions.

[Which in its own right is concerning, honestly. What happens when you don't comply? How immediately does it happen? Or was that answer its own sort of test?]

To my understanding, what Echo-san intends to do is not save universes directly, but preserve the integrity of the multiverse by culling some of the individual universes within it. What we're here to do is convince Echo-san to spare ours from destruction.

[banworthy]

Fair enough.

So, that said, with the power she is said to wield, why do you believe she suddenly is fallible in this one thing?

[unaliveyourself]

That's a false equivalence. Destructive power, regardless of the scale, isn't equivalent to the ability to restore what's already been lost.

[banworthy]

But someone has already been restored.

At this point, what are you arguing? We were chosen at random and she decided to choose a corpse. What of it?

I was just an average person with no "powers." [ He tries to use the word as someone who has never experienced such before. ] It is far odder that I was chosen out of anyone else, honestly.

[unaliveyourself]

I already explained the difference in revivals here and the possibility of reviving someone from a different universe entirely. There's at least one universe out there with its own afterlife, so there is considerable room for ambiguity to what extent your corpse was a corpse when it was brought here.

[He's definitely not about to give away his reasons for wanting to know quite specifically what state Vincent's corpse was in. The hollow cheer that was briefly absent in his tone as he'd gotten serious returns, just as abruptly.]

If you don't know, that's fine! I was just curious~

Imagine the potential value of our experiences to science!

[banworthy]

[ A thought pause. ]

You aren't just curious.

You're looking for something in my revival here.

[ His words shift to vitrolic snarling. ]

Do you think I enjoyed dying? That it was fun? And now having some pedant tell me how much of a corpse I was might have been the issue?

So, what is it? As the person who had to suffer through your curiosity, I think I deserve an answer.

[unaliveyourself]

You know, it's interesting. For someone who didn't enjoy his death, you're awfully defensive of it. An average person might jump at the opportunity to believe there could be hope for their survival, that their existence here might have implications for their continued existence once this is all over.

[There goes all that cheer again, instead sharpened down to a blade to hold at Vincent's throat.]

Don't pretend to be so devastated. You want to be dead. I'd go as far as to wager you're frustrated you're alive now.

[banworthy]

Not anymore devastated than you are, I'm sure.

[ Since the man's earlier comment on suicide attempt. ]

[unaliveyourself]

Did I ever claim to be? Your deflections are embarrassingly transparent.

[banworthy]

You know... I do feel sorry for you.

Just think of it... a suicidal person in a place where he can never die. Tragic.

[unaliveyourself]

Almost as tragic as an insecure man who tries to hurt others to hide his own weakness and fear, but has too little imagination to even accomplish that much!

[banworthy]

I know but you shouldn't insult yourself so much to strangers.

[unaliveyourself]

Wow, and the lack of imagination continues. Are you quite sure you ever left the third grade? Rubber and glue is rather outdated, I'm afraid.

[banworthy]

Just think it's a little too pointed to bring up truly hurtful things.

I mean... someone who smiles and sounds so happy while being so miserable inside. Do you even have a reason to save your world? I'm not so sure. It must have been unfortunate for you to be chosen when you have nothing to want to live for anymore.

But I guess people are people. You don't know anything else to do but smile and hope someone will love you when you can't love yourself.

[unaliveyourself]

It's truly sad how a person can spout nonsense and believe they're getting somewhere.

[Vincent might be in the right ballpark, but he's somewhere off in the outfield, well away from stealing home, this time, and Dazai's back up to bat again. Alright. If Vincent wants to play, he'll play for real.]

What will happen to you if you're not really dead, I wonder? Do you go to jail, perhaps? Into hiding from your would-be murderer? Or maybe it's simpler than that, maybe you've convinced yourself your death has some greater meaning, because otherwise you'd have to live out the rest of your meaningless life with the realization that you're truly insignificant, a confluence of molecules floating in a cosmic soup tens of billions of orders of magnitude greater than you are.

[He laughs, nails on broken glass.]

Hey, you were talking to Castiel-san, right? Did you know in his world, there are people who were killed in holy wars fighting for the wrong God? They didn't even know until they woke up in a different afterlife than they were expecting! Say, Vsmith-kun, do you think you'll go to the right one, after we're done here?

[banworthy]

[ It's a similar situation. Right ballpark but somewhere else and not where it could actually hurt him. ]

Oh, so you're using another conversation to try to win this one? I guess I don't have the luxury 'cause I don't care enough to hunt down information about you. [ He opens his hands in a dismissive manner. ]

But yes, I will. Because I have faith.

I have something neither Castiel or you have. Belief in something more than myself.

Do you want to matter? I suppose maybe you want to matter to someone since you're fixated on that point, but I'm afraid... I don't think that person cares about you all that much... if they did at all.

[unaliveyourself]

Now, now, don't make excuses. If you set out to do something, you really ought to put in the proper effort~

[git gud, scrub.]

Pretending to be above it all only makes you look more desperate, especially with all that projecting you're doing. You want to believe in your God so badly, and yet, they're not here, are they? Echo has you instead, and this God of yours has done nothing to retrieve you.

[He smiles all the brighter.]

What will you do with all that faith of yours, if your universe is destroyed? Even Aurora-chan can't actually promise any of us are really in the running to save our universes.

[banworthy]

I just don't like stalking losers.

[ He starts to laugh. It's a chuckle at first before it becomes hysterical at the idea of his universe being destroyed. Because he's talked to Heather about how they need to figure out what the criteria is so that they can fail.

If it's not taking part in the games, fine. But he's sure it's more than that -- because they wouldn't call him here if it was something so simple as a lack of involvement.

His wheezing stops as he finally responds: ]

You don't understand belief or faith. So why don't you try another route, heretic?

[unaliveyourself]

Ohhhh, I see, an apocalypse seeker, then. Suits the unreasonably inflated ego, I suppose.

[A guess, but one he's pretty confident in, from that reaction. He lets out an exaggerated sigh.]

People like you truly are embarrassing. You don't have the courage to end things for yourself, so you try to drag everyone down with you in a huge dramatic production, it's really pathetic!

[banworthy]

You're the one who's embarrassing.

You're still off the mark. Didn't I tell you that you should stick to something you understand? You don't have faith. You don't have belief. You have nothing.

Actually, what do you have? Other than the desire to stalk people so you can feel like you understand them? But in the end, you don't know anything at all.

Maybe that's why you're so lonely.

[unaliveyourself]

That's just it, though. There isn't anything. Do you think a flower needs faith to turn toward the sun? Do birds need faith to migrate south for the winter?

[He is lonely, in a sense. The only person who ever really tried to understand him is dead. But Vincent is wrong that he doesn't have anything, because it's that beloved person that leads him to try for a world that doesn't matter, in which he has nothing and every action is ultimately so much ash and dust in the wind. Because being on the side that saves people is just a little more beautiful, and Odasaku had wanted that for him.]

Faith was invented because humans fear death. We don't have the speed of cheetahs, the sheer strength of bears, the ability to resist extreme temperatures or natural defenses to ... well, anything, a sharp enough stick will kill us. Humans alone gained the ability to reflect on their mortality, though, and so they invented faith as a means of protecting themselves from the inevitability of that fear and pain. Some seek solace in the notion of an immortal soul, one which transcends the physical body and allows one the promise of rejoining those they have lost, someday, or a cycle of wanderings until eventual spiritual liberation from suffering as a concept can be attained. Others believe there is a little of the divine in everything, in the day to day.

[Dazai is a well and proper nerd, ultimately; he's read plenty on every kind of faith there is.]

...Unfortunately, there's also those that use faith as an excuse to pretend superiority over others, enough so to assume whatever they say is so significant that anyone who happens to have paid attention must be fixated on them specifically. Insufferable people like them always cause more damage than they're worth before finally fading away into obscurity, having accomplished exactly none of their grand goals while the world continues to persist.

You cling to a promise of something more that may never come. I already know there is nothing, and so I have nothing to lose, yet everything to gain.

[banworthy]

I told you to stop talking about faith like you knew anything about it. You're just someone that is pulling a string of a toy hoping that it makes sense.

Will this statement be the one? Or this one? What is it? It isn't any of those because you don't get it. You will never understand it, and so you have to put it down to primitive means to even hope to comprehend it.

Tell me. Why haven't you tried to kill yourself here?

[ Whatever. He doesn't wait for the answer. ]

You're too much of a coward to live and too much of a coward to die. So what do you know about anything? [ A beat with more irritation. ] Have you told others this sad, sad story? People probably pity and want to be your friend. What a sad man that they want to fix.

You're right. You do have everything to gain being so pathetic and believing in nothing.

[unaliveyourself]

Ah, ah, always so defensive. Overcompensation is truly the last refuge of the inadequate, I suppose. Why does it bother you so much to hear me speak on it, if you're so convinced I'm a pitiful fool who knows nothing? There's never been anything stopping you from walking away.

[He lowers his voice, then, like he's imparting a precious secret.]

But I don't think you can, actually. You need to get under other people's skin to prove to yourself that you're right, that they're beneath you. You need them to get upset and lose their composure. All of this to run away from the fact that faith and certainty are mutually exclusive. To hide your fear that your faith won't be rewarded, that your God doesn't actually care about you, that your death won't grant you any of your goals or desires, after all.

So who is truly pathetic? The one who knows nothing, or the one who can't stop arguing with him?

[banworthy]

You didn't answer any of my questions.

[ There is a smile in his voice. His tone shifts to something sympathetic. It doesn't bother him to hear a faithless man tell him about his faith.

He sighs as the warm tone continues. ]

You're afraid of facing something and so hiding away like this. It's okay. Whatever you're afraid of won't hurt you here. Or perhaps it is.

Because you can't face it.

But either way, you have the time to figure it out and I hope that you can because you are so miserable being unable to face your pain.