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[fourthwalled]

[Wade pops up on screen in all his scarred glory, looking very excited about something.] Alright, listen up motherfuckers! I have a very important announcement! Way more important than our next mission or who's banging who-- although you feel free to give me that hot goss if you've got it.

We have a new arrival. She's the bestest girl and I expect you all to give her all the treats and kisses she wants! Be fair warned, she uses tongue. A LOT OF IT.

[Wade brings a dog into screen. But not just any dog. A dog that is so ugly she's adorable. At least, to him, she is! Mostly hairless, a long ass tongue that won't stay in her mouth, and bulging eyes. And yes, she's wearing a Deadpool uniform.]

Meet Dogpool! Mary Puppins!

Comments

[100more]

I can see that she loves you very much.

[ Hob would not want her to lick him, though. ]

It's nice to have a companion from home. I'm happy for you.

[fourthwalled]

Thanks! It is nice. Do you have any pets? Maybe you could ask for one. Since you can't exactly ask for people to show up... although I guess I haven't tried that.

[He'd just assumed that wouldn't work.]

[100more]

No, I don't have one.

[ Not here or at home. ]

It would be nice, but it would also feel a little strange, having a pet made for me out of thin air.

[fourthwalled]

How do you know we aren't made out of thin air here? Maybe none of us are real?

[He taps his skull, thoughtfully.]

But having something that loves you unconditionally? I'll take that no matter how I can get it.

[100more]

That's a good point. I have heard some theories like that. I feel real, but who's to say I'm not programmed to.. or something?

[ Hob looks both understanding and sympathetic. ]

Have you no other family at home?

[fourthwalled]

I have friends who are my family?

[And that will have to do. Any actual family has been a nonstarter.]

Still, their love is a little different than this little girl's. [Theirs involves a lot more side-eying and trying to keep him from succumbing to his worst impulses. Which is a good thing, sure. But this is also nice.]

[100more]

Friends can make wonderful family, but I understand what you mean.

[ The dog will love him no matter what he does. When it comes to people, they often have to try to live up to certain expectations. ]

I do hope you have friends here, too. Other than her. Ones that can help when you need it. This place is easier to deal with when you have some friends.

[fourthwalled]

I have some. Cable, Nate... Ororo. [He's working on the Shadows, but he'll get them eventually.] The rest of the X-Men, I guess, but mostly they just tolerate me.

What about you? You got any friends? [Want another? Wade's the type to glom onto pretty much anyone who'll pay attention to him.]

[100more]

Ororo? We've met. She's very nice.

I've a few friends, but I'd be happy to have another.

[ Hob gets the sense Wade is like an excited puppy. ]

[fourthwalled]

She's very nice. [And hot as hell. And intimidating. And a goddess, and...]

Then you've got another one. Or two. If you count Mary Puppins. Which you should.

[100more]

[ Hob wouldn't argue with any of that. He can't help but blush when faced with Ororo, who might be the most gorgeous woman Hob has ever met. But Hob is a lucky man who is dating the most handsome man he's ever met. ]

I'll gladly count you both. What was your life like back in your world?

[fourthwalled]

My life? Oh, you know... a little of this... a little of that... I'm just a lovable, unkillable mercenary who swears a lot. Like a fuck ton of swearing.

What about you?

[100more]

Unkillable?

[ That's interesting. ]

Bargained with Death, did you?

[ He asks like it's meant to be a joke. Hahaha... ]

Oh, I'm just your average history professor... who grades a lot.

[ Not as exciting as Wade's life. ]

[fourthwalled]

Nah, haven't met my boo yet. But I'm sure it's coming soon!

[Aubrey Plaza is a baddy! So, he can't wait.]

No bargain though. I was dying and got desperate and let myself be horribly experimented on by a shadowy organization. Don't recommend it.

History? Who needs that? Who wants to learn from their mistakes? Gross.

[100more]

[ His boo? Hob is confused but he thinks that might be normal when speaking to Deadpool, so that's fine. ]

Experimented on? That sounds awful.

[ It's actually a fear of Hob's. One he's worked hard to avoid. As for Wade's feelings on history, Hob laughs gently. ]

I've plenty of students who would agree with you.

[fourthwalled]

[Most people end up confused when talking to him, so it's completely normal!]

It was. But I didn't die? And now I heal every injury. I even got ripped in half, once. Also blown up a few times. Shot... all the time. But I'm a mercenary, so these things happen!

[100more]

It must hurt, though?

[ Hob can't imagine it doesn't hurt when it happens. ]

But that does sound useful for a mercenary.

[fourthwalled]

Oh, yeah, hurts like a son of a bitch! But... I'm used to it?

[He's in pain pretty much all the time because of the scars, cancer, etc, but-- that's um, let's not talk about that.]