un: Bachelor | text

[thantagonist]

Attention Fellow People of Etraya,

I am Doctor Daniil Dankovsky, Bachelor of Medicine. As I understand it, few of you have seen a doctor lately. That simply won’t do! Please, don’t wait to get sick to establish care. I am situated in the hospital, ready to take consent forms and make updated medical histories. At least a few of you have unaddressed concerns, I just know it. The average person comes to see the doctor when it’s too late! Though we cannot die here, there is no reason to suffer unduly.

And if you are otherwise healthy, perhaps think of it as helping me out. In the event of an outbreak, it is far more helpful to have complete clinical pictures of the inhabitants. Especially, as I understand it, there are many biological differences in this population.

Please come visit me during my clinic hours, every day from 10am to 6pm.


[What Daniil really wants is to meet more of the unusual inhabitants of Etraya more quickly as well as conduct casual interviews of the sort of people who are slated to save the universe. But he can’t just say that completely outright.]

Comments

[thantagonist]

Of course. I might even attend the trial for my own hanging if the soup smelled good enough.

But a coupon in an insult, as you well know. It’s just passing off a promise to a third party far enough away from the original issuer so that when the second party’s coupon is not honored, it’s too inconvenient seek recompense.

[beenwaitinglong]

I'm more of a coffee man, myself. [It's subtle, I know.]

Oh it was, at least, a coupon to the courthouse cafeteria. Most of them weren't going to be leaving after the trials, if you get my drift.

[thantagonist]

That’s an awfully blasé way to say you send men to the gallows for the promise of cafeteria food, prosecutor.

[Not that he was going to talk active shit about cafeteria food. He’d been living on it for the past eight years.]

[beenwaitinglong]

Gallows? Only in the most dire and repulsive of cases, my medically-inclined amigo.

I will not defend the state and the courts as an institution, but things are not quite so dire as that in my district.

[thantagonist]

Is that so? Well, that’s a relief, I suppose.

But you aren’t in your district anymore. You must have an open schedule. When can I expect you down at the clinic?

[beenwaitinglong]

Ha...! The only medicine I need is a few hot cups of sweet black magic.

[thantagonist]

And how much coffee do you drink per day, on average?

[beenwaitinglong]

I'd guess three or four.

[thantagonist]

Cups?

[beenwaitinglong]

Oh no. Dozen.

[thantagonist]

Dozen. Three or four dozen 6 ounce cups?

[beenwaitinglong]

Don't be ridiculous. That would be nuts.

A standard cup is 8 ounces.

[thantagonist]

That is nearly twice the volume of blood in your body. I am genuinely seriously concerned, Godot. Please come to the hospital at once.

[beenwaitinglong]

Hey now, it's not always that much. You said "average," so half the time it's way less than that.

[thantagonist]

I calculated the lower figure.

And if that’s the average and sometimes it’s way less, that means sometimes it’s way more!

I’m concerned for your heart and kidneys. And your liver, for that matter. Your stomach, intestines…

[Honestly everything. Who knows what the extent of the damage is.]

[beenwaitinglong]

Ha...! [He did not need to type out the ellipses, but he did.]

Between you and me, Doc, the coffee is the least of my worries. But that which does not kill you makes you stronger. That's one of my rules.

[thantagonist]

Is that your professional clinical point of view?

[beenwaitinglong]

Yes. I am, after all, a professional as well.

[thantagonist]

[Daniil might have to quit his oath. He refuses to go around in a “are you a doctor” loop one more time today.]

I will be expecting you at the hospital for an exam. Don’t disappoint me.

[beenwaitinglong]

Honestly Doc, we'd both be better off if I skipped it. We both have only so much time on this mortal coil. Best use yours assisting someone who's been on it the whole time.

[thantagonist]

Fine. I can’t force you to come in, but I will be justified in my irritation when I find you collapsed on the sidewalk with your own blood pressure having popped your eyes out of your head.

Say, I have a question. Did this happen already by any chance?

[beenwaitinglong]

Ha...! No.

But I have taken a walk with the Reaper before, if that's what you're getting at.

[thantagonist]

I sort of figured that had to be the case. How did they bring you back? Adrenaline shot to the heart? That was experimentally new in my time.

It wouldn’t outright explain the caffeine addiction, but…

[beenwaitinglong]

Beats me.

[thantagonist]

Your doctor didn’t share this information with you?

How old are you, by the way? This is just for my own notes, again, when I inevitably find you collapsed on the ground with your kidneys ruptured.