Video | UN: Spidey

[keepitgoing]

[The easiest introduction in the world! Being that it's a, uh, re-introduction. Peter Parker Spider-Man has already confirmed he'd vanished for months — which is totally crazy, because he feels like he hasn't been gone all that long — but here he is! In all of his 'confused but has spirit' energy that had gotten him through his time in Etraya before.]

Hey guys, I'm back!

Just gone long enough to apply to, like, fifty barista and pizza guy jobs back home.

... Swinging around doesn't pay rent, y'know.

What'd I miss?

[He's perched on his tippy-toes, on top of one of the tallest buildings in Etraya.

As you do.]

Comments

[keepitgoing]

... Dr. Doom?

That one doesn't sound familiar.

You got any advice in case one does pop up in my timeline?

[eatsnutsandkicksbutts]

[ HERE THEY GO, SCREWING UP THE NEXT PHASE OF THE MCU ]

Sure! So Doom is this super mega genius who's big into Science, Magic, and Himself. Rules over a country called Latveria, makes robot duplicates of himself called Doombots. He's genuinely brilliant, but he also knows how brilliant he is and is a huge jerk about it. One of those dudes who could be using his intelligence and resources to make the world better, but runs around trying to take it over instead, y'know?

... Oh! This might come in handy, remember how I mentioned the arrogance? He programs all of his robots with his own coding language, DOOM++, which means he's never bothered to learn ASCII, Python, or literally anything else. That's his biggest flaw, he's so convinced he's right about everything that he has a hard time seeing things outside of his own perspective, and he underestimates people constantly.

[keepitgoing]

... Man, why does that sound so nuts and so normal at the same time?

[Listen. Peter may be from a less insane timeline than comic book timelines, but it's getting pretty wild out there regardless. Once you meet two other versions of yourself and nearly drag all of your universal villains into your timeline by backfired magical spells, you kinda just roll with it.]

Dude, it's always an extra blow to morale when the science-loving types turn into genius villains. Like, I love science. Why do they have to ruin it for the rest of us? Before you know it, everyone's gonna think that anyone who wears a lab coat wants a PhD in world domination!

[eatsnutsandkicksbutts]

[ after a while you just roll with the insanity, wait until Hellcow makes her inevitable way to the MCU ]

Gosh, right? They could be doing literally anything else with all their skills! Making the world better in an infinite amount of ways! But noooo, they want to invent time travel and build death rays. Like, the CS and Engineering courses already have ethics classes, but I'm starting to think they need at least a unit or two called 'I know student loans absolutely suck, but turning to supervillainy is bad' or soemthing.

[keepitgoing]

Do you have a villain rehab in your world? I feel like maybe someone should open up a villain rehab. Maybe if I ever make more than minimum wage, I can make some programs or something.

[eatsnutsandkicksbutts]

Man, I wish. I'm doing my best out here, and I've talked a few people around, but it'd really help if there were some actual concrete programs or support groups set up.

... Oh, that reminds me! If a guy named Kraven starts giving you the business, tell him to start hunting underwater sea monsters instead of you, that'll save you a lot of trouble. Dude read 'The Most Dangerous Game' one too many times in high school.

[keepitgoing]

Oh man... Don't tell me he's another villain that's gonna pop up for me someday.

[He shakes his head, sighing.]

I guess nothing can top the Thanos thing, at least. You think that would really work on him?

I am so sorry for this

[eatsnutsandkicksbutts]

Mmmmaybe? I talked him into hunting Gigantos for a while, and then he tried switching to wildlife conservation, and now he's kinda on sabbatical, working on himself. Just keep an eye out for a big hairy Russian dude wearing a lion vest, and you'll probably be fine.

[ ... Wait a second, she recognizes that name drop! ]

Oh, the big purple guy? You tangled with him too, huh?

Re: I am so sorry for this

[keepitgoing]

Well, I like a happy ending to villainy, so...

[A sigh follows.]

Is there a superhero that hasn't had to deal with Thanos before?

He was the actual worst.

[eatsnutsandkicksbutts]

Right? Super full of himself, too. Thinks he's a certified Cool Dude because he makes his own gloves. Big jerk was all talk.

[ She huffs an irritated sigh, though probably for different reasons than Spidey! ]

[keepitgoing]

[He laughs so, so weakly.]

Y-yeah... all talk...

[HE KILLED ME FOR FIVE YEARS!!!!!

... Among other more serious, horrific things he tries not to dwell on.

But he doesn't want to trauma dump on a squirrel lady -- that's just completely rude.]

[eatsnutsandkicksbutts]

[ oh boy she just stepped in a conversational pothole, didn't she? Doreen doesn't know quite where she went wrong, but it's pretty obvious that this is not a fun subject for Spidey! Time to re-direct... ]

... I've gotta ask. Does your universe have a Paste-Pot Pete?

[keepitgoing]

A what-now?

[Are you about to distract him from dark thoughts with something crazy-sounding?]

[eatsnutsandkicksbutts]

[ you betcha! ]

Paste-pot Pete! He's a supervillain D-lister whose whole schtick is glue. Literally. Dude carries two giant glue guns. I think he calls himself 'Trapster' now to sound cool, but mostly he's known as 'The Guy Who Thought Paste-Pot Pete Was a Good Supervillain Name'.

[keepitgoing]

I... I...

Iiii mean — y'know, it's... unique? And someone easy to taunt in a fight.

[eatsnutsandkicksbutts]

Yeah, I'm pretty sure he spends half his time being verbally dunked on. You'd feel bad for him, if it weren't for all the crimes.

[keepitgoing]

We gotta get him into better occupations.

He'd be a great spokesperson for a glue company.

[eatsnutsandkicksbutts]

Right? I'm pretty sure he makes his own supply, if he patented that stuff and sold it, he'd probably be set for life. But noooo, he wants to dress up in a goofy costume and do crimes.