etraya | UN: DEEPYOGURT

[For reasons Loki can’t explain, this is his first time answering one of these things on video. Why he felt the need to deprive the citizens of this awful town from the beauty of his own visage is far beyond him. So is why he would ever be trying to save a timeline, let alone the whole damn multiverse, but that’s not something he can be bothered to think about right now. Especially with that annoying inner voice of his screaming that there is something very wrong happening here.

Loki is dressed in a smart black suit with a dark green shirt that was custom tailored for him. There’s a wicked smile on his face.]

Oh please, I highly doubt the AI where you are from is so superior. Word is even that Stark AI went rogue at one point and tried to take over the world. Though it did not do it with as much flare as I did, I’ll have you know.

I’m sure there are plenty of people willing to go below the belt, but you might have to take off your pyjamas… And pay a lot.

See, now that just presents bold new possibilities for rogue software. If Iron Man can cock it up what does that say for the rest of civilization? The guy built a fully functional Mark One suit out of debris in a cave in Bumfuck Egypt, after all.

[Is that Loki? OMG hi, big fan. Not as big a fan as he is of your brother, but it's nice to see Loki's doing okay for himself somewhere in the multiverse. There weren't any Loki's in the wasteland so that speaks to his tangible reality or Asgardians in general. He didn't glimpse a single one.]

And correct me if I'm wrong but wasn't your flair just borrowed? Strategically? I mean, from the Chitauri, right? You can't really take full credit because that wasn't your army, that was something you picked up off Backpage dot com.

So, this bubble trouble has a monetary system?

Good to know. The suit stays on, it's form-fitting, and shouldn't impede the process.

I suppose it says that most humans are quite useless. I find it rather sad that someone such as Stark is seen as such a hero. It’s really a waste of his talents. [Truth be told, of all the Avengers, his brother included, Stark was his favourite. If he hadn’t opted to play for the good guys, Loki thinks they could’ve been fast friends.

Loki, of course, has no idea who Wade is. And he would be surprised to hear that he didn’t see any of his variants in the Void. He’d run into enough of them himself out there. Perhaps they were lucky and the President had bled to death after losing his hand.]

You think the Chitauri was my flair? [Loki breaks out into laughter at that.] Oh, I am afraid not. They were nothing more than an accessory. In fact, I think I would’ve done much better if I had attacked alone. [That last part is a full on lie. The real truth of it is that the real power came from the sceptre. Not that Loki is weak on his own, but back then he hadn’t fully realized just how powerful his magic is and would’ve stupidly done most of his fighting with his daggers, if not for the help from an infinity stone.]

Oh I see. So you are hiding something then. I wonder how long it will take me to find out what that might be?

I wouldn't say it's a waste of his talents, but the alternative is black-market weaponry and casual genocide, so, we can agree to disagree. Since the genocide and the black market just keep on chugging along like the little engine that could.

Like you, actually! Being an unkillable being has its merits.

[ This one is something he can attest to firsthand, and where the void is concerned, they must have just missed each other. ]

Sure, but was that before or after The Hulk sham wowed you into the pavement of Stark Tower?

It's so the bad guys can't see me bleed and so that everyone else doesn't have to lose their lunch. Tricks are for kids.

I don't dabble in mystery.

Perhaps I am only annoyed as he took it so personally when I killed a few New Yorkers, and yet he has far more blood on his hands. [Really, as far as Loki is concerned right now, they made similar decisions and yet everyone loves Stark, and thinks Loki is some sort of megalomaniac. It is hardly fair.]

You are unkillable? [Despite all the superhero garb the man is wearing, that isn’t something Loki expected. After all, even he is not immortal. Not that he’s admitting to that.

It’s about a 50/50 chance on whether Loki is frowning because of the mention of the Hulk or because he’s trying to figure out exactly how this person would know that. Loki recalls quite clearly who was there that day and this man isn’t one of them. He can only come to one conclusion.] Tell me then, how long have you worked with the TVA?

Oh please, I am sure it is not that bad, but really, it is not worth my time. I do not care what you look like. [That is, at least in part, true. If this person is telling the truth and he’s all sorts of ugly or deformed, Loki hardly cares. What he does want to confirm though is that he isn’t someone else. Someone trying to trick him or worse. The only other person who has known so much about him is He Who Remains and if that is the case, Loki needs to find out and soon.]

Your coccyx.

( more of a statement than a question, even if it's vaguely also a question. )

First time I've seen Aurora lose her shit, an' I've been here a bit.

Tail bone, friend. The little pointy ball just shy of your nethers. The hips and chassis are in need of some TLC.

So, she doesn't fly off the handle on the regular I take it? I thought I was listening to dubstep for a minute there.

Except when the bass dropped so did we.

Not a professional masseuse, but I'll go below the belt.

( with an obnoxious, stupid grin. will he really? who knows, only time will tell. )

This's new, she hasn't done that before.

Wow. You're direct, I like it. What else will you say on public broadcast? Inquiring minds!

Oh, okay, so I got her just in time for her to shit the bed. That tracks.

I'm not censoring myself just 'cause everyone can see it.

( why would he do that when he can just be obnoxious. )

Maybe you did it.

As much as I'd love to take the credit for things starting with a bang, it's not me this time.

Something something he who casts the first stone ... are you sure you're not the person responsible for our glitchy goddess?

Nah. I haven't even talked to her outside our talk when I first showed up. Unless that was enough to break her, but that was a while ago.

( wouldn't be the first time he broke something on accident, if it had been him. )

Guess it puts us back to square one on who to point fingers at. Damn.

How long ago constitutes a while? I'm new here and the math isn't mathing.

What's that saying, for every finger you point there are three pointing right back at you? We're in a giant melting pot of doomed realities, plenty of fingering to go around.

-ehe!

[ She tries to respond appropriately, but the comment about coccyx makes her giggle a little too much. Hold on though, she has to add: ] Or under the table, as it were.

[ Okay, yes, that's out of her system. Good. ]

Things are a little bit weird right now with Aurora, but- She's usually a lot more put together, honestly.

Put together like... does she manage her own software updates? Should we run a system scan to check her for malware?

And if she has malware is that the equivalent of an artificially intelligent STD? just asking what no one else has the guts to.

I guess so, yeah! I admit, I'm not the most computer savvy lady out there. I know my way around a smart phone, sure, but anything more intensive and that was usually up to someone else to handle.

That is a good question though. And would it be a contagious one? Could we get it? Dang, things I didn't even consider until now.

up to someone else? do you have technology guinea pigs that I didn't know were an option?

Those theories might have to remain in the hypotheses state until I get a chance to ask Aurora myself.

Well, I did! But I was special.

[ 'Was' is the imperative keyword here. She isn't anymore so she's had to crash course her way through things. ]

Let me know what you find out! I need to talk to her, too, but about music. So it'd be awkward to bring up 'hey are viruses also like STDs for you, or-' in that kind of conversation, I'm pretty sure.

What makes you special enough to get the uber tech treatment? asking for personal reasons that have nothing at all to do with self-fulfillment.

[ in this case, the lie is the omission. he will use whatever he can if she comes by it because he likes the nice things in life and hoofing it all by his lonesome only gets him so far. ]

I'm happy to ask that one on behalf of the community at large.

Being cute, mostly. A lot of people will let things slide if you're adorable enough at them. It doesn't work as well here, unfortunately, but not for lack of trying.

[ Another laugh though at him saying he'll 'take one for the team' so to speak in asking that kind of question. ]

We appreciate your determination to find out the truth. I do, at least.

[ SHE RECOGNIZES THAT SUIT... ]

Yeah, it's never a good sign when they start speaking in creepy fragmented binary. Don't you have a super-quick healing factor, dude? Your coccyx will be fine.

I do! But that doesn't mean I can't appreciate some good old-fashioned homeopathic hands on me.

Hey, peanut. How are they hanging?

I guess it depends on who 'they' are in this case? I'm doing okay, all things considered!

Ooh, wait, I should ask this up top, there's some multiversal stuff going on here: do you know who I am? Or is 'peanut' more of a general thing?

You, and your nuts.

[The joke didn't hit home so now he has to roll it there himself.]

I'm familiar enough, that no it's not just a general thing. Unless you'd prefer something different. There's a lot of nuts to pick from. Peanut's just the go-to.

... Yeah, let's stick with peanut, it sounds more like a friendly nickname and less like a dick joke.

Is there a Me in your universe?

I can make anything a dick joke, so either way, you're out of luck there squirrelly girly.

I'm sure there is, but I haven't met her yet, if that's what you're getting at. Most dimensions do the whole "parallel," thing. The same, but different enough to get under your skin.

That tracks, I fully believe that's one of your superpowers. Also, assuming alterna-me is out there being a cool superhero-slash-nature-conservationist or maybe a detective or something.

You doing ok, apart from the damaged coccyx? There are a bunch of empty apartments to crash in, and the robots at the cafe make surprisingly good coffee.

(Interesting...costume? There must be a reason he is hiding his face, she reasons.)

There are healers, but I haven't heard of any masseuses. As for Aurora, I presume you are speaking of her?, she is more than artificial intelligence. She is a deity, actually - from my understanding, at least.

Edited 2024-09-21 01:08 (UTC)

Don't need a healer, just a couple of hands for a half hour, give or take. Three or four minutes if they're really good.

A deity? Of what? L33t speak?

I think I've heard enough. (How embarrassing.)

I don't know what l33t speak might be, but I don't think that's correct. Aurora is a deity of this world.

A deity? Lady, I've met my fair share.

Can a computer be a fair and measured sovereign ruler?

I can't say the same. (She has just met plenty of people who consider themselves deities.)

I think that might be asking too much of any computer.

So, then where's the line? Is she more biological or more technical and which part holds the majority?

You would have to ask her that. From my experience with her, she does seem to empathize with us to a certain degree. Most machines are incapable of that.

I dunno. Terminator proves that empathy and understanding things like emotions are the beginning of the end.

So does Smart House. Still feels dubious, at best, to put us, the eggs in her basket.

Terminator...? (She is missing a reference here.) I don't think we should put all of our eggs in her basket. She is merely part of the puzzle.

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